Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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