My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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