Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
