I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
