Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
