your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
