I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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