Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
