Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
