Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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