i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
