I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
