While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
