Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
