He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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