my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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