Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
