i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize