I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
