Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
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