dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
