you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
