The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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