i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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