my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
