She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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