Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
