The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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