Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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