She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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