I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
