I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
