Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
