Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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