it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
