Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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