You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
