So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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