he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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