I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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