I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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