Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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