I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
