Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
