So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
