I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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