Jerry, you need to find god
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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