I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
