how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize