how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
