I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
