I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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