apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
