I just cut my nipple shaving
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
