i permit you to call me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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