woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
