Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
