i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
