Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
