Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
there is another microwave in the elevator.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
