fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
